When I don’t know which door to open, I just leave the room

I've been 'home' for almost a week now. Is it weird or mean or wrong that I don’t want to talk about my experience with random people? Maybe ‘random’ is the wrong word to use, but with my acquaintances here? People ask what its like, and how on earth do I even begin to answer that question? They ask how I like it and so far my staple answer has been ‘Depends on what day you ask me’. Because it's true. How do I begin to tell them that one day I feel like I’m on top of the world and a catalyst for change, and the next I feel discouraged beyond belief, crying out of utter helplessness and despair? How do I describe my elation at the puddle of challenges overcome that mean the world to me in the ocean of failures I face? How do I qualify the friendships formed and the bonds created and also destroyed in such a short span? How do I sum up a year of my life, feeling so far from my starting point, yet no closer to the end?

And to people who really just don't care anyway.

Nevis Peak

I climbed another volcano! I know, me, the girl who huffed and puffed and complained at Yosemite. I have to say, I'm really proud of myself. But then again, pride is what kept me going all the way up (and down if I might add). I'm not really that much of an outdoorsy person, but I am all for trying everything. Ok, almost everything.

"Nevis Peak is a potentially active volcano which is located in the centre of the island of Nevis, West Indies. The stratovolcano rises to a height of 3,232 feet, or 985 meters. There have been no eruptions since prehistory, but there are active fumaroles and hot springs on the coastal slopes of the island, and these represent low-level volcanic activity.

The steeper parts of Nevis Peak are impossible to farm; even in the height of the island's exploitation, when every available scrap of arable land was under sugar cane, the mountain, which occupies a large part of the island's interior, was never really changed in any way, and therefore most of the original flora and fauna is still intact. At the lower levels of the mountain there is dry forest and humid forest, and then above that rain forest, and at the top of the peak, which is covered with cloud most of the time, there is cloud forest, a montane habitat.

It is possible to hike to the top of the peak and back, but the route has some challenging sections. Hikers need to be quite physically fit to complete this route, and for safety's sake, it is necessary to go with a qualified guide. On days when the peak is completely free of clouds, there are remarkable views from the top of the mountain, not only of Nevis itself, but also out over the Atlantic Ocean, the Caribbean Sea, and the many surrounding islands of the Leeward Island chain."

There's a box at the top full of things people have left behind (as proof of being there) with a book to sign. We found a picture Hector left when he came...

There was a group of 5 of us, and I was the only girl. It was practically vertical at points and required rope climbing a lot of the way. After a while they let me lead, I think so that I would set the pace and they didn't push me. Which made me push myself a little because I didn't want to be the wimpy girl that complained and slowed everyone down (which I still think I did). This climb was definitely the dirtiest, grossest, sweatiest, muddiest I have ever been. It took forever to wash out all the dirt from my hands afterwards. Not to mention to the fact that my legs literally felt like rubber and could barely hold me up in the shower.

Was it worth it? Yes. If nothing else, just so I can say I did it. When we got to the top, it wasn't a clear day so we couldn't see the surrounding islands. But instead, we were surrounded by mist. We were literally sitting in the clouds, which was insanely refreshing with all the sweat we were swimming in.

I worked with the St. Kitts Turtle Monitoring Networks summer turtle camp today. One of the little boys I was working with from the home was beyond adorable with his excitement. He was contagious. And the fact that something as small as a day at a camp could bring so much joy made my heart smile. At one point in the day, the kids had to come up with their own imaginary animals using what they had learned about the adaptations of sea turtles. The creativity of these kids was amazing, one of the animals that stands out in my head was a rabbit with a turtles shell and a hawks beak and some kind of special skin. But the best part, was the 'S' etched into its chest, because he wasn't just a regular animal, he was 'Super' and saved the world. Don't you just miss the days of complete idealism and dreams where anything was possible?

But then the flipside of that day (because don't all my days seem to have those?) was when two of the kids were telling me about how a child (suffering from FAS) that was supposed to attend camp was being punished for misbehaving. But not being allowed to attend camp wasn't the only punishment she received, she was beat with a belt that had to be fetched by another child. And this was absolutely normal for the kids to be telling me. It was routine. Their home was not a safe haven from beatings or being punished for a condition beyond their control. I fought tears as I wanted to hold him and shield him from all the cruelty of the conditions of his life that he didn't even know were wrong, because he had never known anything else. And I struggled against tears at the injustice of the fact that he didn't deserve this life, while there are brats being spoiled with all the riches of the world.

I think living in a foreign country on my own has developed my sense of self-reliance. But having my mommy here for the last three weeks, as nice as it was, I think it made me lose some of that. I wonder now, if I am going home or leaving home in my upcoming trip?

Weight of the world

"Creating anything meaningful takes time; And sometimes the only thing that happens in an instant is destruction."

It’s much easier to say these things than to be living their reality. Maybe I’m not really cut out for field work; at least not developmental work. It’s just too frustrating and I personally need to know and see that I’m making a difference. Which is why I think I’m much better suited for humanitarian relief efforts with tangible results. It’s not that I don’t believe in development work and sustainable efforts. I just don’t know if I can personally handle all the frustrations that come along with it. I’m just not strong enough to handle the rejection and the roadblocks and the failures. I feel like I'm pushing against a rock in the road instead of holding a hand to lead them around. And I don't know how to convince anyone that there are other way's to do things. That its ok to try something different. If I was just here to help go about things the way they have always been, what difference will I be making?

Maybe I should have checked if they even wanted a difference to be made in the first place. The days make me feel meaningless right now. How am I supposed to change the definition of what is possible?