Weight of the world

"Creating anything meaningful takes time; And sometimes the only thing that happens in an instant is destruction."

It’s much easier to say these things than to be living their reality. Maybe I’m not really cut out for field work; at least not developmental work. It’s just too frustrating and I personally need to know and see that I’m making a difference. Which is why I think I’m much better suited for humanitarian relief efforts with tangible results. It’s not that I don’t believe in development work and sustainable efforts. I just don’t know if I can personally handle all the frustrations that come along with it. I’m just not strong enough to handle the rejection and the roadblocks and the failures. I feel like I'm pushing against a rock in the road instead of holding a hand to lead them around. And I don't know how to convince anyone that there are other way's to do things. That its ok to try something different. If I was just here to help go about things the way they have always been, what difference will I be making?

Maybe I should have checked if they even wanted a difference to be made in the first place. The days make me feel meaningless right now. How am I supposed to change the definition of what is possible?

Opposite Desires

It's been almost a year since I came to the island. Sometimes it shocks me how much I've changed, and other times it shocks me how much I haven't. Lines are clearly drawn, then blurred. Friends have let me down and picked me up. I've wanted to quit and live here forever all in the same day. I have a beautiful network of friends and 'family' here, but I miss my family back home. And I need them both the same.

There's a difference between just going with the flow, and letting life happen in my opinion. I am a planner at heart, but I've learnt that you have to be open to other possibilities. I'm not saying you should always expect to be disappointed. Things may not work out the way you want, but that doesn't mean it won't work out for the better. I'm excited to go back home, but at the same time, I don't want to leave my life here for so long and cut into my experience here. For a planner, I've always hated making decisions.

I think I've been giving my first visitor a balance of the local vs tourist experience. We went ziplining and on a full island tour. We spent a lazy rainy sunday bumming it and working/reading from home. I took her on a tour of a plantation and hiking up the volcano. She has seen how my week seemed to be totally free if you asked me on Friday but I now have a lot of meetings scheduled. She has been dragged along to multiple meetings throughout the day and had the joy of going to the Dominica boat Monday market. She even got to experience the rain right after putting the laundry out to dry. Time flies real quick. I'm referring to both my time here so far, and the fact that Mommy's trip is almost at an end.

My first visitor and VAC meeting

I had a pretty eventful week to say the least. Mommy arrived in St. Kitts Thursday afternoon. I let her take it easy that day, so I cooked some coconut rice and fish, fed her some yummy mango bread and relaxed and caught up. The next day, we started around 8 am and I dragged her along to about 3 meetings and didn't get home till around 12 hours later. Saturday, I took her on the hash (it ended up being an intense 2 hour hike with a mixture of beach and uphill through random rainforesty vegetation) and even got her to hitchhike on the back of a truck! Ok, fine it was only with a fellow hasher and Mike was with us but still. That was followed by a  waterfront dinner at SpratNet with Anne and George, and Eddie even joined us after. We stayed up talking that night.

And then there was Sunday. I left early that morning and somehow managed to catch a bus on time to the airport. I had a little drama with my reservation because it wasn't paid for under my name (it was by the PC, trust LIAT to be efficient when it doesn't suit you). After checking into the hotel, a couple of us went to watch the world cup final at a bar/lounge. I was the only one cheering for Spain from the group. We got back in time to quickly shower and all the VACs head out to Pigeon Island for dinner at Jambe De Bois where we enjoyed the mismatched twig chairs, obscure tables, local art and live jazz band by the water.

Now I've been running low on my glucose meter test strips despite reminding our medical officer, and had gotten down to my last one that night. I decided not to do my nightly bed time test and save the strip for the morning, after which I was hoping to receive my test strips at the office. I ended up having my first severe hypoglycemic reaction (low blood sugar) in years; I can't even remember the last time I had one, proving how long its been. Kelly woke up after hearing me fall out of bed at 2.00 am and called Geoff and they then called the paramedics. I have some battle wounds, bumps and bruises from the paramedics attempts to get me into the ambulance. I woke up around 4.00 am and my first thought was 'Do I have to miss the meeting?' 

Long story short, I ended up being admitted in the hospital and missed about an hour and a half of my first VAC meeting. A mixture of contributing factors culminated in a unfortunate night including my lack of test strips or a glucagon emergency kit, being in a hotel room without access to food, crashing from a couple of long tiring days worth of late nights and early mornings, overcompensating with too much insulin for my dinner, and the lack of understanding of diabetes in the Caribbean. It was not cute. But I have NEVER in my life been hospitalized for a hypoglycemic reaction and iA it will never happen again. I am totally and completely ok and my diabetes is in control and there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

The VAC with Margo and Elizabeth =)

Monday was the VAC meeting, and we discussed a lot of issues such as communication between volunteers and staff, office equipment, volunteer finances, sustainability, and the 50th anniversary, just to name a few. Kelly was elected as chairperson and I was elected as secretary (Go EC-80!) During our discussions, one of the topics that came up (especially when we talked about the sustainability of our projects and work) was comparisons. One of my fellow VACs quoted someone and said that "comparison is the thief of joy". And I completely agree. You should never hold yourself to anyone elses standards because that will only drive you crazy (spoken from experience). I've spent too much of my life caring about what other people will think and say, and trying to make everyone happy. We need to do what we can, with what we have. And do our very best to OUR abilities, and no one elses.

Yesterday, I returned from St. Lucia and took mommy to two more meetings. We got poured on and experienced waiting in the rain for a meeting that never took place. She's really getting to experience my life here. After running some errands today she got some local food, including Mrs. Moore's amazing johnny cake saltfish sandwiches, passion fruit juice and iQueens softserve mango ice cream =) Yummy!!! But I made her hike up to Ocean Terrace Inn for our DASKN Think Tank afterwards, which had a much better attendance than expected. However, I've learnt that here in St. Kitts, we discuss a lot and decide very little. One of the DASKN members thinks that volunteer organizations here are essentially a 'mental masturbation' that stroke our egos and make us feel like we're doing something and making a difference when what we need is 'real intercourse with the population'. Despite that, I personally think that there were a lot of good points brought up with a great free flow of information between a lot of people.

I think the hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn. And I've always hated making decisions. But you really do have to pick and choose your battles.  

Every path leads somewhere

A good friend recently told me that no matter what you decide, things will work out. I have always been a planner at heart, constantly making lists and schedules. But I've learnt that sometimes, you just need to let life come to you.

One of the Peace Corps goals is to educate Americans back home about our host country. I'm not going to lie, that is not even a part of why I joined the Peace Corps. But it has, unintentionally, become a part of the work I do. I am enrolled in WWS (World Wise School) [Side note: I love how the meaning of acronyms are what go in paranthesis for me, gotta love the PC and its many acronyms] which is basically a program that connects PCVs with a public school back home to teach the kids about our host country. Aside from that, I often find myself explaining why the "Beach Corps" stigma really isn't fair.

I cringe when I hear people saying ignorant and ethno-centric things. It's hard having a sister who thinks there is a place called 'Peruvia'. Lately I've met tourists who have been extremely surprised to find out that the Peace Corps serves here. One of our volunteers was wearing a PC shirt and a man asked her if there really were volunteers here. When she confirmed he said "Man my son got screwed over". One of his sons was apparently posted in Mali (still a tourist destination if you ask me!). Another girl thought that I was beyond lucky, and in her defense I was sitting at a spot where she was on vacation. But she then went on to describe how incredibly nice the island is. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. But she was only here for a day at most, and hadn't left the Southern Peninsula (the Beverly Hills of St. Kitts). Most tourists here don't ever see beyond the airconditioned resorts and sandy beaches. They never see the crime & violence, the poverty, the extreme disparity between one side of the island and the other. They don't see my neighbors. You don't recognize a person's faults until you really get to know them. It's exactly the same for St. Kitts.

Bird Rock Beach, my favorite so far =)

Some of the ladies enjoying the fireworks

On the complete flip side, I AM extremely blessed to be here. Not just because its a tropical Caribbean island, but because of the wonderful friends I've made and the experiences and opportunities I've had. Ironically, I had one of the best 4th of July celebrations here. The volunteers had a BBQ at one of our favorite beaches here with great food and even better company. JC managed to get some fireworks, and I even got to light a couple (I am very easily entertained and had a blast with that!) And then we went over to the Shiggidy Shack and watched proper fireworks over there. It was the closest I've ever been to fireworks (probably not the safest thing) and we were practically right underneath them. It was another example of an absolutely wonderful day in my life here.

David, JC and Geoff trying to light up multiple fireworks simultaneously. They totally failed and we had to enjoy them one by one instead. Oh well, they lasted longer that way!

VAC

Most of you know that I've wanted to run for the position of Volunteer Advisory Committee (VAC) representative on SKN ever since Geoff first told me about it. Well I am lucky enough to now tell you that I was elected as the new VAC representative last week at IST. The main office for our PC region (the Eastern Caribbean) is in St. Lucia, which is where I will be going in two weeks for my first VAC meeting. The six island nations that comprise the PC Eastern Caribbean post are St. Kitts-Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, Dominica, Grenada and Antigua & Barbuda and each island has a VAC representative. For the next year I will meet my fellow VAC representatives along with out PC staff to discuss volunteer issues, concerns, suggestions, requests, etc. between all of the islands and with our Country Director. The goal is to improve communication between the two sides.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of hearing me talk your ear off about the VAC position, here is a little something for you to better understand what I will be doing:

The Volunteer Advisory Council is a formal representative channel for facilitating communication between Peace Corps Volunteers and the Peace Corps staff. The VAC is comprised of Volunteers serving as representatives for Volunteers from the island nations making up the Eastern Caribbean post, plus the Country Director (CD), and any other invited staff. One elected Volunteer represents each island nation in the post. The VAC meets on a quarterly basis with Peace Corps Eastern Caribbean senior staff, or as the budget allows.

The VAC is a representative body to:
1. Serve as the official liaison between Peace Corps Eastern Caribbean Volunteers and Peace Corps Eastern Caribbean staff members
2. Hold regular island-nation forums to hear and document Volunteer concerns, comments, and ideas—normally held during regularly scheduled Volunteer meetings called by staff in consultation with Volunteers
3. Initiate action assuring that the collective concerns of Volunteers are addressed and resolved fairly and promptly
4. Provide an environment of peer support

Duties and responsibilities of the VAC representatives:
1. The VAC representatives have first responsibility to their primary projects and VAC responsibilities should be a secondary project commitment
2. Represent Volunteer concerns to the Associate PC Director (APCD) and other staff when appropriate. In some cases, refer Volunteers directly to staff.
3. Survey Volunteer opinions and concerns as requested by the CD, PTO (Program and Training Officer), APCD, or other Peace Corps staff members. Be aware of general Volunteer community concerns and issues and act accordingly. In health and safety matters, notify appropriate individuals.
4. As requested, assist visiting Peace Corps staff members or consultants through organized visits and represent the Volunteer community during island meetings
5. As requested, gather information from the Volunteer community to provide programming and training recommendations to the APCD
6. Orient the incoming VAC representative prior to completion of term

Rushing Slowly in SK sweet

This is a concept on the island that I think I've adjusted to (at least as well as I'm going to be able to): rushing slowly. Last week we had our IST (In Service Training) and we addressed diplomacy and working relationships, and we each invited our counterparts. Now it's no secret that I've had my fair share of frustrations with some of the organizations I work with, to the point where I feel like giving up sometimes. So when Mavis told me that my counterparts had amazing things to say about me and the difference I've made, I was beyond pleasantly surprised. One of the things that stuck out during IST was about how the Peace Corps has longer term goals over a 5 year period. So even if we can't see a project completed within our two years here, doesn't mean that we haven't contributed to the larger picture.

If anybody remembers, during my earlier months here I had mentioned how I missed physical contact. I wasn't at the point of being close enough to anyone to hug them. I can now say that I have developed such close friendships on the island that I have my fair share of hugs now =) With all the EC78ers getting ready to leave soon, it's really hit me how I've already been here for ten months. But it also made me realize that in only a year, it will be me getting ready to leave. And it's going to be incredibly hard. I know I shouldn't right now, but I can't help think about how much I'm going to miss St. Kitts and my life here. I think we are part of a generation that loves choices but simultaneously hates choosing. I miss my friends and family, but when I leave I'm going to miss my friends and new family here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DK1DFRWuko8

This song makes me smile about being here, frustrations and all. This weekend was the St. Kitts Music Festival (which I didn't really get any pictures of unfortunately). I only went to 2 out of 3 nights, but I still had a great time and loved the experience. What was hillarious is when it started raining. At the smallest drop practically everyone ran for cover, which just completely captures how Kittitians react and don't go to work when it rains. I think the ultimate experience for me was standing and singing along despite the decently heavy rain. Because it's geared for tourists, this was one of the few events that actually starts on time. But the smaller bands were up first so most Kittitians didn't show up until a couple of hours later anyway.

I met a fellow diabetic and pump user on the island a couple of weeks ago. I was really excited when he recognized that I was wearing a pump because no one here knows what it is. I instinctively recruited him for the DASKN and we've been hanging out since. John Carlo was invited on a sailing trip over to Nevis the other day that he let me tag along on. We went to a millwork factory and had a nice lunch over there. It was a really nice day and I met a lot of nice people.

Poinciana Theatre

"You're coming with me" said the tall, dark and handsome boy as he looked at me with his chocolate brown eyes and attempted to literally sweep me off my feet from my seat by the pool where I was reading my book. Alright, so really and truly he came to my waist and he was the adorable 3 year old named Ambrose that happened to be swimming in the pool at Natacha's house. But it was the CUTEST thing ever when I asked him if I could take a break from playing with him and he looked at me like I had just asked him the silliest question ever. And when I did manage to get back to my book, he came and tried to pick me up. However, he did disappoint me when he left me to fend off the bees for myself =( My hero didn't deliver. 

When we first came to the island, I think we were all insanely naive and excited about the difference we thought we were going to make. The same hopeful exuberance that is characteristic of most Peace Corps Volunteers, in the beginning. And then, slowly but surely, we all hit our slumps in our own time and at different points in our service. We got frustrated. We lost hope. We gave up to some extent. Now I can't speak for everyone else, but I got to the point where I built up that hope again. It's like relationships. You get hurt, you promise yourself you won't let it happen again and you won't get close to anyone, you try to protect yourself. But inevitably, something happens that makes you break your promise to yourself.

Maybe I'm being naive and hopeful again. Maybe I'll crash and burn again. But then again, maybe I won't. And I can definitely say that I'm learning. I don't take EVERYTHING personally. I've given in to the fact that I can't and won't succeed at everything. I can let go of projects without feeling like I'm giving a part of myself up. I accept things the way they are and have stopped trying to change the world. I've don't try to make absolutely everyone happy. And along the way, I still make progress and changes.

The DASKN has come quite a long way since I first started attending their meetings. I don't want to jinx any of our projects and programs so I will only discuss them as things progress. But one thing I am really excited about is the theatre production we will be putting on in collaboration with the Poinciana Theatre Production Company. They are the only group of its kind on the island, and they typically focus on social commentary; crime, sexual abuse, domestic violence. So I approached Mr. Tatem, the founder and head of the group, about putting on a performance for our week of activities.

We had a meeting with a couple of the group's members, and if we are able to get even half the crowd to have a similar reaction to their's when we told them what message we wanted to get across to the public, I will feel like I made the biggest difference. I walked away feeling as though I could leave the island right there and then and know that I did SOMETHING. One of the girls jaw dropped as we told her about some of the possible complications and how they only occur IF you don't take care of yourself, and not simply because of the fact that you have diabetes. She realized that her grandmother had suffered from all those complications and the fact that it hadn't been inevitable was a reality check for her. They were all motivated to get tested themselves after our meeting.

Hopefully we'll be having the play at the ECCB (Eastern Carribbean Central Bank) auditorium. It has a capacity of about 400 people and the Poinciana Theatre Productions are always sold out =) Wish us luck! I'll keep you updated. Oh, and it's going to be a comedy that will have a professional video that I will hopefully be able to get copies of  =)

You'd think that after being here for quite a while (I can't believe it's already been almost 10 months!) that you would know everyone on an island this small. But lately I've been meeting a lot of new people. At a gathering with a lot of people with different background (locals, expats, people from nearby islands-especially Trinidad) I was asked multiple times "What's your story?" And I realized that I've become that girl. I leap into how I'm originally from one place, born in another, lived in multiple countries and cities, and now I'm here. And I absolutely love having a 'story'. But then they ask me how I got into the Peace Corps. And honestly, I don't even know anymore. I always start with how I fell in love with international affairs back in high school with Model United Nations and wanted to work with human rights ever since. And as true as that is, I can't remember a time where I didn't want to join the Peace Corps anymore.

"Happiness is when, what you say, what you think, and what you do are in harmony." -Ghandi.