Opposites

Maybe New York wasn't the best place to go right after St. Kitts. It was overwhelming to say the least. I still had a great time with my amazing friends there (thank you Sameer, Fati, Zaynab, Inayat and Farah!) but it was just a lot to handle. New York is just as busy, fast paced, crazy, overwhelming and COLD as St. Kitts is slow, relaxed, laid-back and hot. There were too many choices, and everyone knows I don't do well with making decisions. I don't know how well I'm readjusting. And part of what makes it hard is that I didn't have the time to get ready for it. And also the fact that I'm not settling back to a particular lifestyle. I'm jumping around. And even though that's what I want because I'm not quite ready to start a settled calm life just yet, my head feels like a crowded train track collision waiting to happen. I'm sick of living out of a suitcase, but I'm not ready to hang up all my clothes just yet either.

 We got into the MOMA for free =)

The statue of liberty

Van Gogh at the MOMA!  

 New York skyline from the top of the rock

The UN building... the only way I will ever move back to the cold east coast

I'm in the DC/VA area until the end of the month, then I'm back in California November 30th, before heading out to Kuwait on December 9th. I'll stay there for a bit and then move on to Pakistan on the 20th to begin relief work with the Saba Trust Foundation: http://www.sabatrust.com/.

SK sweet

In my last month in St. Kitts, I was asked multiple times what my favorite memories were now that I was getting ready to leave. Here are some of the top things that came to mind, in no particular order:

• J'ouvert!
• Beach campout on Will's birthday
• Marriott Adventure with Julie Ann and Alisa =)
• Climbing Mt. Liamuiga
• Climbing Nevis Peak
• Falling on the way to the Bat Cave
• My first Hash
• The island tour with Royston
• My first mango softserve at iQueens (and all the trips to that wonderful truck on the corner of Indepedence Square!)
• Music Festival
• Girls nights at Tashas
• Granny's salt fish and johnny cakes
• Trying to find Mari's on Market St.
• Road side chicken with Kim, Geoff and Will
• Sunsets at Anne's
• Welcome BBQ at Cockleshell
• Swimming with the folks from Ade's Place
• Horse back riding in the rainforest
• Snugar-diddles (baking with the Women of Purpose!)
• Hiking up to the Caribelle Batik and over to David & Ingrids afterwards
• The Riviere House
• Julie Ann climbing my terrace and breaking into my house
• Lost marathon's at Will's
• De Valley Pub sessions 
• Holding my breath with Patty on crazy bus rides  
• Killing roaches at Julie Ann's house in Nevis
• Thanksgiving and trying to get my stolen phone back  
• Shaniqua (my little neighbor) running to hug me when I came back from vacation
• Dominoes at Ship-wreck
• Bird Rock Beach with David, Ingrid, Patty, Anne and George

Official RPCV

The Peace Corps experience doesn’t end after 2 years. Once you’ve been in the Peace Corps, you are connected forever to volunteers who share similar experiences. In my opinion, and yes I'm biased, the Peace Corps has an even stronger alumni connection than that of schools like USC (no offense).

So after having accepted an Interrupted Service and then taking the medical separation, I decided to go back. After spending about a month in St. Kitts trying to get whatever closure was possible, and closing up/handing off projects to the best of my ability, and basically trying to shorten my SK bucket list and spend time with my friends, I don't think I will ever be over it. I will never stop missing St. Kitts. I will always cherish my memories and times and friends there. And I will always consider it a life changing experience. And even in hindsight of not completing 2 years, I would go through it all over again.

A couple of things made me change my mind about thinking of myself as a failure, as not having 'completed service'. When a fellow volunteer that had just completed 2 years of service told me that I would always be a fellow RPCV in his eyes, and was no less of a volunteer and had made just as much of an impact. And then when a PC staff member told me how she went through a similar experience of being medically separated before completing 2 years, but ended up going to work for the Peace Corps instead. I knew she had been a volunteer, but never knew that she hadn't finished the full 2 years. And she considered herself just as much of a RPCV as anyone else. Well then why shouldn't I? I didn't choose to leave or give up. I gave it my all and even fought to return. I'm a RPCV on all counts, and shouldn't feel like any less.

The most important part of being successful at anything is loving what you do. And it’s important not to let anyone else define your horizons. You’re going to find what it is you want to do and who you want to be, and the last question you ought to ask is, “Is this what I should because of my gender, race, national origin or disability, etc.?” Don’t let anybody ask that question, and don’t ask it yourself.

The next step of my adventure is to go do relief work for the flood victims in Pakistan. I applied for a PCRV (Peace Corps Response Volunteer) position, however that isn't working out. But that doesn't has to keep me from helping out. I don't have to go through the Peace Corps, as much as I love the institution. Perhaps I'll end up getting a job with them later on, but right now, I still want to work on international aid. And I remember thinking, when the flood occured, if it weren't for the Peace Corps, I would love to be able to go help my people out. So that's exactly what I'm going to try and do. So I may not be blogging about my PC experience anymore, but I will still be sharing my experience in relief work, iA.

Thank you to all my friends that made this past month absolutely amazing, or making me feel loved and missed, and like I made a difference. I love and miss you all, but I refuse to say goodbye =)

Forced early retirement

As most of you know, back in July I was hospitalized for a hypoglycemic reaction. This has never before happened in my life, and was due to a culmination of a lot of factors. Long story short, the Peace Corps is being hyper vigilant about health care especially because of the recent death of a PCV in Morocco. They are now investigating the provision of healthcare to PCVs at various posts. In light of my 'incident', the Peace Corps has decided that the EC is no longer able to adequately support my medical needs as a diabetic with an insulin pump. I am being given the option of an Interrupted Service, meaning I could transfer to another post that is able to support diabetics on the pump.

As of right now, I don't know details about my different options. I don't know if this means I would have to go through training again, what countries can support me, what kind of programs there are, nothing. I have to wait to get a call from a placement officer. Depending on what options they give me, I'll decide how to move forward.

It may sound like I'm really calm, but I've had some time to process. I've gone through the tears, the swearing (anyone that knows me I only swear if I'm REALLY really mad). I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. But after some heartfelt conversations with really good friends, I've realized that it's not the end of the world. I slowed down and took a breath. As hard as its going to be for me to leave my life in St. Kitts, I'm still better off than probably 90% of the people in this world (I'm just making numbers up here). I still have a place to live, a bed, food to eat, great family and friends. I have nothing to complain about in comparison to the hardships faced by the underpriveleged in this world. And I believe that hard times define who you are as a person. It's easy to be awesome when things are good. So pouting and crying won't change anything, it won't help me come back. I made my appeals, I called and emailed anyone and everyone that I could. I fought and didn't give up. So now I have to accept it and move on.

I realize that I have to remain open, because there are times when one path may seem to close off and you need to take another one. I think that one of the things I’ve learnt, more by accident than design, is to accept life's ambiguity and that you can’t plan where you’re going to be for the next 30 years of your life. I have to take whats in front of me and love that and see where that leads.

When I don’t know which door to open, I just leave the room

I've been 'home' for almost a week now. Is it weird or mean or wrong that I don’t want to talk about my experience with random people? Maybe ‘random’ is the wrong word to use, but with my acquaintances here? People ask what its like, and how on earth do I even begin to answer that question? They ask how I like it and so far my staple answer has been ‘Depends on what day you ask me’. Because it's true. How do I begin to tell them that one day I feel like I’m on top of the world and a catalyst for change, and the next I feel discouraged beyond belief, crying out of utter helplessness and despair? How do I describe my elation at the puddle of challenges overcome that mean the world to me in the ocean of failures I face? How do I qualify the friendships formed and the bonds created and also destroyed in such a short span? How do I sum up a year of my life, feeling so far from my starting point, yet no closer to the end?

And to people who really just don't care anyway.

Nevis Peak

I climbed another volcano! I know, me, the girl who huffed and puffed and complained at Yosemite. I have to say, I'm really proud of myself. But then again, pride is what kept me going all the way up (and down if I might add). I'm not really that much of an outdoorsy person, but I am all for trying everything. Ok, almost everything.

"Nevis Peak is a potentially active volcano which is located in the centre of the island of Nevis, West Indies. The stratovolcano rises to a height of 3,232 feet, or 985 meters. There have been no eruptions since prehistory, but there are active fumaroles and hot springs on the coastal slopes of the island, and these represent low-level volcanic activity.

The steeper parts of Nevis Peak are impossible to farm; even in the height of the island's exploitation, when every available scrap of arable land was under sugar cane, the mountain, which occupies a large part of the island's interior, was never really changed in any way, and therefore most of the original flora and fauna is still intact. At the lower levels of the mountain there is dry forest and humid forest, and then above that rain forest, and at the top of the peak, which is covered with cloud most of the time, there is cloud forest, a montane habitat.

It is possible to hike to the top of the peak and back, but the route has some challenging sections. Hikers need to be quite physically fit to complete this route, and for safety's sake, it is necessary to go with a qualified guide. On days when the peak is completely free of clouds, there are remarkable views from the top of the mountain, not only of Nevis itself, but also out over the Atlantic Ocean, the Caribbean Sea, and the many surrounding islands of the Leeward Island chain."

There's a box at the top full of things people have left behind (as proof of being there) with a book to sign. We found a picture Hector left when he came...

There was a group of 5 of us, and I was the only girl. It was practically vertical at points and required rope climbing a lot of the way. After a while they let me lead, I think so that I would set the pace and they didn't push me. Which made me push myself a little because I didn't want to be the wimpy girl that complained and slowed everyone down (which I still think I did). This climb was definitely the dirtiest, grossest, sweatiest, muddiest I have ever been. It took forever to wash out all the dirt from my hands afterwards. Not to mention to the fact that my legs literally felt like rubber and could barely hold me up in the shower.

Was it worth it? Yes. If nothing else, just so I can say I did it. When we got to the top, it wasn't a clear day so we couldn't see the surrounding islands. But instead, we were surrounded by mist. We were literally sitting in the clouds, which was insanely refreshing with all the sweat we were swimming in.

I worked with the St. Kitts Turtle Monitoring Networks summer turtle camp today. One of the little boys I was working with from the home was beyond adorable with his excitement. He was contagious. And the fact that something as small as a day at a camp could bring so much joy made my heart smile. At one point in the day, the kids had to come up with their own imaginary animals using what they had learned about the adaptations of sea turtles. The creativity of these kids was amazing, one of the animals that stands out in my head was a rabbit with a turtles shell and a hawks beak and some kind of special skin. But the best part, was the 'S' etched into its chest, because he wasn't just a regular animal, he was 'Super' and saved the world. Don't you just miss the days of complete idealism and dreams where anything was possible?

But then the flipside of that day (because don't all my days seem to have those?) was when two of the kids were telling me about how a child (suffering from FAS) that was supposed to attend camp was being punished for misbehaving. But not being allowed to attend camp wasn't the only punishment she received, she was beat with a belt that had to be fetched by another child. And this was absolutely normal for the kids to be telling me. It was routine. Their home was not a safe haven from beatings or being punished for a condition beyond their control. I fought tears as I wanted to hold him and shield him from all the cruelty of the conditions of his life that he didn't even know were wrong, because he had never known anything else. And I struggled against tears at the injustice of the fact that he didn't deserve this life, while there are brats being spoiled with all the riches of the world.

I think living in a foreign country on my own has developed my sense of self-reliance. But having my mommy here for the last three weeks, as nice as it was, I think it made me lose some of that. I wonder now, if I am going home or leaving home in my upcoming trip?

Weight of the world

"Creating anything meaningful takes time; And sometimes the only thing that happens in an instant is destruction."

It’s much easier to say these things than to be living their reality. Maybe I’m not really cut out for field work; at least not developmental work. It’s just too frustrating and I personally need to know and see that I’m making a difference. Which is why I think I’m much better suited for humanitarian relief efforts with tangible results. It’s not that I don’t believe in development work and sustainable efforts. I just don’t know if I can personally handle all the frustrations that come along with it. I’m just not strong enough to handle the rejection and the roadblocks and the failures. I feel like I'm pushing against a rock in the road instead of holding a hand to lead them around. And I don't know how to convince anyone that there are other way's to do things. That its ok to try something different. If I was just here to help go about things the way they have always been, what difference will I be making?

Maybe I should have checked if they even wanted a difference to be made in the first place. The days make me feel meaningless right now. How am I supposed to change the definition of what is possible?