Forced early retirement

As most of you know, back in July I was hospitalized for a hypoglycemic reaction. This has never before happened in my life, and was due to a culmination of a lot of factors. Long story short, the Peace Corps is being hyper vigilant about health care especially because of the recent death of a PCV in Morocco. They are now investigating the provision of healthcare to PCVs at various posts. In light of my 'incident', the Peace Corps has decided that the EC is no longer able to adequately support my medical needs as a diabetic with an insulin pump. I am being given the option of an Interrupted Service, meaning I could transfer to another post that is able to support diabetics on the pump.

As of right now, I don't know details about my different options. I don't know if this means I would have to go through training again, what countries can support me, what kind of programs there are, nothing. I have to wait to get a call from a placement officer. Depending on what options they give me, I'll decide how to move forward.

It may sound like I'm really calm, but I've had some time to process. I've gone through the tears, the swearing (anyone that knows me I only swear if I'm REALLY really mad). I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. But after some heartfelt conversations with really good friends, I've realized that it's not the end of the world. I slowed down and took a breath. As hard as its going to be for me to leave my life in St. Kitts, I'm still better off than probably 90% of the people in this world (I'm just making numbers up here). I still have a place to live, a bed, food to eat, great family and friends. I have nothing to complain about in comparison to the hardships faced by the underpriveleged in this world. And I believe that hard times define who you are as a person. It's easy to be awesome when things are good. So pouting and crying won't change anything, it won't help me come back. I made my appeals, I called and emailed anyone and everyone that I could. I fought and didn't give up. So now I have to accept it and move on.

I realize that I have to remain open, because there are times when one path may seem to close off and you need to take another one. I think that one of the things I’ve learnt, more by accident than design, is to accept life's ambiguity and that you can’t plan where you’re going to be for the next 30 years of your life. I have to take whats in front of me and love that and see where that leads.

When I don’t know which door to open, I just leave the room

I've been 'home' for almost a week now. Is it weird or mean or wrong that I don’t want to talk about my experience with random people? Maybe ‘random’ is the wrong word to use, but with my acquaintances here? People ask what its like, and how on earth do I even begin to answer that question? They ask how I like it and so far my staple answer has been ‘Depends on what day you ask me’. Because it's true. How do I begin to tell them that one day I feel like I’m on top of the world and a catalyst for change, and the next I feel discouraged beyond belief, crying out of utter helplessness and despair? How do I describe my elation at the puddle of challenges overcome that mean the world to me in the ocean of failures I face? How do I qualify the friendships formed and the bonds created and also destroyed in such a short span? How do I sum up a year of my life, feeling so far from my starting point, yet no closer to the end?

And to people who really just don't care anyway.

Nevis Peak

I climbed another volcano! I know, me, the girl who huffed and puffed and complained at Yosemite. I have to say, I'm really proud of myself. But then again, pride is what kept me going all the way up (and down if I might add). I'm not really that much of an outdoorsy person, but I am all for trying everything. Ok, almost everything.

"Nevis Peak is a potentially active volcano which is located in the centre of the island of Nevis, West Indies. The stratovolcano rises to a height of 3,232 feet, or 985 meters. There have been no eruptions since prehistory, but there are active fumaroles and hot springs on the coastal slopes of the island, and these represent low-level volcanic activity.

The steeper parts of Nevis Peak are impossible to farm; even in the height of the island's exploitation, when every available scrap of arable land was under sugar cane, the mountain, which occupies a large part of the island's interior, was never really changed in any way, and therefore most of the original flora and fauna is still intact. At the lower levels of the mountain there is dry forest and humid forest, and then above that rain forest, and at the top of the peak, which is covered with cloud most of the time, there is cloud forest, a montane habitat.

It is possible to hike to the top of the peak and back, but the route has some challenging sections. Hikers need to be quite physically fit to complete this route, and for safety's sake, it is necessary to go with a qualified guide. On days when the peak is completely free of clouds, there are remarkable views from the top of the mountain, not only of Nevis itself, but also out over the Atlantic Ocean, the Caribbean Sea, and the many surrounding islands of the Leeward Island chain."

There's a box at the top full of things people have left behind (as proof of being there) with a book to sign. We found a picture Hector left when he came...

There was a group of 5 of us, and I was the only girl. It was practically vertical at points and required rope climbing a lot of the way. After a while they let me lead, I think so that I would set the pace and they didn't push me. Which made me push myself a little because I didn't want to be the wimpy girl that complained and slowed everyone down (which I still think I did). This climb was definitely the dirtiest, grossest, sweatiest, muddiest I have ever been. It took forever to wash out all the dirt from my hands afterwards. Not to mention to the fact that my legs literally felt like rubber and could barely hold me up in the shower.

Was it worth it? Yes. If nothing else, just so I can say I did it. When we got to the top, it wasn't a clear day so we couldn't see the surrounding islands. But instead, we were surrounded by mist. We were literally sitting in the clouds, which was insanely refreshing with all the sweat we were swimming in.

I worked with the St. Kitts Turtle Monitoring Networks summer turtle camp today. One of the little boys I was working with from the home was beyond adorable with his excitement. He was contagious. And the fact that something as small as a day at a camp could bring so much joy made my heart smile. At one point in the day, the kids had to come up with their own imaginary animals using what they had learned about the adaptations of sea turtles. The creativity of these kids was amazing, one of the animals that stands out in my head was a rabbit with a turtles shell and a hawks beak and some kind of special skin. But the best part, was the 'S' etched into its chest, because he wasn't just a regular animal, he was 'Super' and saved the world. Don't you just miss the days of complete idealism and dreams where anything was possible?

But then the flipside of that day (because don't all my days seem to have those?) was when two of the kids were telling me about how a child (suffering from FAS) that was supposed to attend camp was being punished for misbehaving. But not being allowed to attend camp wasn't the only punishment she received, she was beat with a belt that had to be fetched by another child. And this was absolutely normal for the kids to be telling me. It was routine. Their home was not a safe haven from beatings or being punished for a condition beyond their control. I fought tears as I wanted to hold him and shield him from all the cruelty of the conditions of his life that he didn't even know were wrong, because he had never known anything else. And I struggled against tears at the injustice of the fact that he didn't deserve this life, while there are brats being spoiled with all the riches of the world.

I think living in a foreign country on my own has developed my sense of self-reliance. But having my mommy here for the last three weeks, as nice as it was, I think it made me lose some of that. I wonder now, if I am going home or leaving home in my upcoming trip?

Weight of the world

"Creating anything meaningful takes time; And sometimes the only thing that happens in an instant is destruction."

It’s much easier to say these things than to be living their reality. Maybe I’m not really cut out for field work; at least not developmental work. It’s just too frustrating and I personally need to know and see that I’m making a difference. Which is why I think I’m much better suited for humanitarian relief efforts with tangible results. It’s not that I don’t believe in development work and sustainable efforts. I just don’t know if I can personally handle all the frustrations that come along with it. I’m just not strong enough to handle the rejection and the roadblocks and the failures. I feel like I'm pushing against a rock in the road instead of holding a hand to lead them around. And I don't know how to convince anyone that there are other way's to do things. That its ok to try something different. If I was just here to help go about things the way they have always been, what difference will I be making?

Maybe I should have checked if they even wanted a difference to be made in the first place. The days make me feel meaningless right now. How am I supposed to change the definition of what is possible?

Opposite Desires

It's been almost a year since I came to the island. Sometimes it shocks me how much I've changed, and other times it shocks me how much I haven't. Lines are clearly drawn, then blurred. Friends have let me down and picked me up. I've wanted to quit and live here forever all in the same day. I have a beautiful network of friends and 'family' here, but I miss my family back home. And I need them both the same.

There's a difference between just going with the flow, and letting life happen in my opinion. I am a planner at heart, but I've learnt that you have to be open to other possibilities. I'm not saying you should always expect to be disappointed. Things may not work out the way you want, but that doesn't mean it won't work out for the better. I'm excited to go back home, but at the same time, I don't want to leave my life here for so long and cut into my experience here. For a planner, I've always hated making decisions.

I think I've been giving my first visitor a balance of the local vs tourist experience. We went ziplining and on a full island tour. We spent a lazy rainy sunday bumming it and working/reading from home. I took her on a tour of a plantation and hiking up the volcano. She has seen how my week seemed to be totally free if you asked me on Friday but I now have a lot of meetings scheduled. She has been dragged along to multiple meetings throughout the day and had the joy of going to the Dominica boat Monday market. She even got to experience the rain right after putting the laundry out to dry. Time flies real quick. I'm referring to both my time here so far, and the fact that Mommy's trip is almost at an end.

My first visitor and VAC meeting

I had a pretty eventful week to say the least. Mommy arrived in St. Kitts Thursday afternoon. I let her take it easy that day, so I cooked some coconut rice and fish, fed her some yummy mango bread and relaxed and caught up. The next day, we started around 8 am and I dragged her along to about 3 meetings and didn't get home till around 12 hours later. Saturday, I took her on the hash (it ended up being an intense 2 hour hike with a mixture of beach and uphill through random rainforesty vegetation) and even got her to hitchhike on the back of a truck! Ok, fine it was only with a fellow hasher and Mike was with us but still. That was followed by a  waterfront dinner at SpratNet with Anne and George, and Eddie even joined us after. We stayed up talking that night.

And then there was Sunday. I left early that morning and somehow managed to catch a bus on time to the airport. I had a little drama with my reservation because it wasn't paid for under my name (it was by the PC, trust LIAT to be efficient when it doesn't suit you). After checking into the hotel, a couple of us went to watch the world cup final at a bar/lounge. I was the only one cheering for Spain from the group. We got back in time to quickly shower and all the VACs head out to Pigeon Island for dinner at Jambe De Bois where we enjoyed the mismatched twig chairs, obscure tables, local art and live jazz band by the water.

Now I've been running low on my glucose meter test strips despite reminding our medical officer, and had gotten down to my last one that night. I decided not to do my nightly bed time test and save the strip for the morning, after which I was hoping to receive my test strips at the office. I ended up having my first severe hypoglycemic reaction (low blood sugar) in years; I can't even remember the last time I had one, proving how long its been. Kelly woke up after hearing me fall out of bed at 2.00 am and called Geoff and they then called the paramedics. I have some battle wounds, bumps and bruises from the paramedics attempts to get me into the ambulance. I woke up around 4.00 am and my first thought was 'Do I have to miss the meeting?' 

Long story short, I ended up being admitted in the hospital and missed about an hour and a half of my first VAC meeting. A mixture of contributing factors culminated in a unfortunate night including my lack of test strips or a glucagon emergency kit, being in a hotel room without access to food, crashing from a couple of long tiring days worth of late nights and early mornings, overcompensating with too much insulin for my dinner, and the lack of understanding of diabetes in the Caribbean. It was not cute. But I have NEVER in my life been hospitalized for a hypoglycemic reaction and iA it will never happen again. I am totally and completely ok and my diabetes is in control and there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

The VAC with Margo and Elizabeth =)

Monday was the VAC meeting, and we discussed a lot of issues such as communication between volunteers and staff, office equipment, volunteer finances, sustainability, and the 50th anniversary, just to name a few. Kelly was elected as chairperson and I was elected as secretary (Go EC-80!) During our discussions, one of the topics that came up (especially when we talked about the sustainability of our projects and work) was comparisons. One of my fellow VACs quoted someone and said that "comparison is the thief of joy". And I completely agree. You should never hold yourself to anyone elses standards because that will only drive you crazy (spoken from experience). I've spent too much of my life caring about what other people will think and say, and trying to make everyone happy. We need to do what we can, with what we have. And do our very best to OUR abilities, and no one elses.

Yesterday, I returned from St. Lucia and took mommy to two more meetings. We got poured on and experienced waiting in the rain for a meeting that never took place. She's really getting to experience my life here. After running some errands today she got some local food, including Mrs. Moore's amazing johnny cake saltfish sandwiches, passion fruit juice and iQueens softserve mango ice cream =) Yummy!!! But I made her hike up to Ocean Terrace Inn for our DASKN Think Tank afterwards, which had a much better attendance than expected. However, I've learnt that here in St. Kitts, we discuss a lot and decide very little. One of the DASKN members thinks that volunteer organizations here are essentially a 'mental masturbation' that stroke our egos and make us feel like we're doing something and making a difference when what we need is 'real intercourse with the population'. Despite that, I personally think that there were a lot of good points brought up with a great free flow of information between a lot of people.

I think the hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn. And I've always hated making decisions. But you really do have to pick and choose your battles.  

Every path leads somewhere

A good friend recently told me that no matter what you decide, things will work out. I have always been a planner at heart, constantly making lists and schedules. But I've learnt that sometimes, you just need to let life come to you.

One of the Peace Corps goals is to educate Americans back home about our host country. I'm not going to lie, that is not even a part of why I joined the Peace Corps. But it has, unintentionally, become a part of the work I do. I am enrolled in WWS (World Wise School) [Side note: I love how the meaning of acronyms are what go in paranthesis for me, gotta love the PC and its many acronyms] which is basically a program that connects PCVs with a public school back home to teach the kids about our host country. Aside from that, I often find myself explaining why the "Beach Corps" stigma really isn't fair.

I cringe when I hear people saying ignorant and ethno-centric things. It's hard having a sister who thinks there is a place called 'Peruvia'. Lately I've met tourists who have been extremely surprised to find out that the Peace Corps serves here. One of our volunteers was wearing a PC shirt and a man asked her if there really were volunteers here. When she confirmed he said "Man my son got screwed over". One of his sons was apparently posted in Mali (still a tourist destination if you ask me!). Another girl thought that I was beyond lucky, and in her defense I was sitting at a spot where she was on vacation. But she then went on to describe how incredibly nice the island is. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. But she was only here for a day at most, and hadn't left the Southern Peninsula (the Beverly Hills of St. Kitts). Most tourists here don't ever see beyond the airconditioned resorts and sandy beaches. They never see the crime & violence, the poverty, the extreme disparity between one side of the island and the other. They don't see my neighbors. You don't recognize a person's faults until you really get to know them. It's exactly the same for St. Kitts.

Bird Rock Beach, my favorite so far =)

Some of the ladies enjoying the fireworks

On the complete flip side, I AM extremely blessed to be here. Not just because its a tropical Caribbean island, but because of the wonderful friends I've made and the experiences and opportunities I've had. Ironically, I had one of the best 4th of July celebrations here. The volunteers had a BBQ at one of our favorite beaches here with great food and even better company. JC managed to get some fireworks, and I even got to light a couple (I am very easily entertained and had a blast with that!) And then we went over to the Shiggidy Shack and watched proper fireworks over there. It was the closest I've ever been to fireworks (probably not the safest thing) and we were practically right underneath them. It was another example of an absolutely wonderful day in my life here.

David, JC and Geoff trying to light up multiple fireworks simultaneously. They totally failed and we had to enjoy them one by one instead. Oh well, they lasted longer that way!